Simple
by claret101
Summary: MWPP. RemusxSirius. The Marauders try to deal with the aftermath of the incident at the Whomping Willow. Can Sirius find forgiveness? Implied slash. Could be read as sequel to my Goodbye to You, or standalone.


**Simple**

It had been a month since Sirius had told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. One long month in which Remus had forgiven Sirius, or at least said that he had. One month since James had found Sirius alone in the Shack, sobbing, and beaten him half unconscious. Almost one month since James had gone to the hospital wing, at Remus' request and apologised to Sirius. Almost a month since Remus had told Sirius that they could be friends again, but they would never return to being lovers.

Sometimes Sirius didn't know how he'd survived that month. He had felt worse than at any time in his life, suffered as he never had before. Years later, in Azkaban, he would learn that whenever it seems that the worst has happened to you, somehow you can always sink lower, can always feel more pain, but he was a seventeen year old boy with a broken heart and for now he couldn't imagine that his life could get worse.

Remus had been true to his word. He gave every appearance of having forgiven him and he had forced James and Peter to do the same. He had begged Dumbledore not to expel Sirius and instead Sirius had been given detention every night for the rest of the school year.

In appearances, the Marauders were unchanged, but something was very different and it was obvious to everyone. Even the rest of the school, who knew nothing of the incident, knew that something wasn't right. Snape had been forbidden to speak of that night, and none of the Marauders would ever have spoken of it, but there was a perceptible shift in the atmosphere surrounding the four boys and everyone could detect it. One look, however, at the silent despair on Sirius' face, the confused, scared look on Peter's, the look of barely concealed anger on James' or the implacable, emotionless face of Remus was more than enough to dissuade anyone from asking any questions. The school continued as though everything was as usual and the Marauders did the same, but the thin veil of normality fooled no one.

They had passed an entire month in that manner, but now Sirius knew he would have to speak up, to ask the question he had been delaying all month, or at least for a full rotation of the moon's orbit.

"Remus?" He asked softly and instantly there was friction in the air. Sirius had been almost silent for the last month, too overwhelmed with pain and guilt to continue his usual cheerful conversation.

The four Marauders were sat in the common room, working on an essay for Transfiguration, which they had all taken to NEWT level. Sirius was sat next to Peter, opposite Remus. James was next to Remus and looked extremely tense and angry at Sirius, as if resenting that he was even allowed to speak to Remus anymore.

"Yes?" Remus replied, his usual calm self. Except during one argument, when Remus had ended their relationship, Remus had never raised his voice to Sirius during the month, never yelled at him or hit him. Sirius wished he had. If only Remus had been angry at him, had hated him even, he would have known that he cared. Sirius would have preferred anything to this cool acceptance that Sirius had betrayed him and their love was dead. It made Sirius feel as if Remus could never have cared that much to begin with.

"I just wondered… I wanted to ask… It's just…" Sirius began miserably, having no idea how to phrase what he wanted to say.

"Spit it out!" James snapped, but received a quelling look from Remus.

"It's about tonight." Sirius said softly, staring at his essay, unable to meet Remus' eyes. "It's full moon."

"I know." Remus said quietly, always quiet.

"Do you want me there?" Sirius asked, the words rushing from him. His eyes burned into the essay, furiously avoiding eye contact with any of the other three boys, who were all staring at him. From the corner of his eye he could make out James looking livid, Peter looking scared and Remus…

Remus' calm veneer actually seemed to be slipping slightly. He looked startled and slightly dazed as if, impossible as it seemed, he hadn't considered this before now.

"You can't be serious?" James blurted out over Remus' confusion. Sirius almost smiled, remembering when they would have laughed at the pun and made a joke out of it, the four of them together, as friends, instead of this awkward group of strangers.

"I was asking Remus." Sirius said, gaining courage from Remus' hesitation. When he had practised this scene in his mind, Remus had always said no instantly. It had taken every ounce of strength to force himself to even ask.

"Well you shouldn't be asking!" James snapped. "How can you think he'd want you there? How can you think any of us want you around, after what you did? We trusted you and…"

"STOP!" Remus shouted. He looked shaken, as if all his energy was devoted to holding in his emotions. Sirius wistfully remembered a time when he'd been able to get Remus to open up to him.

Remus took a deep breath. "Sirius, listen to me. There's something I have to confess." He took another breath and Sirius waited for him to continue. "I told you I forgave you, but… it's not really true. I'm trying, I am, but I'm not there yet."

Sirius nodded, having known all along that no one could just forgive so easily, knowing he didn't deserve it.

"I want you there." Remus said, so softly it was almost a whisper and it was the intimacy as well as the words that made Sirius heart leap suddenly, filled with renewed hope, only to be crushed again by the words that followed. "You can't be there. When I'm the wolf, when I'm out of control… I'm afraid I'd hurt you. All the anger I can hold in as a human… I won't be able to as a wolf." He sighed deeply. "I want you to stay in the castle tonight, in our dorm room, where you'll be safe."

Tears pricked at Sirius' eyes and he could only nod. Moments ago, he had wanted Remus to be angry, just to know he still cared, but to hear him describe it so dispassionately was too painful. Somehow knowing that his ex-boyfriend might want to tear his flesh into pieces wasn't quite the comforting thought he'd expected it to be.

"Sorry." Remus said quietly, seeing Sirius' distress.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing apologising to him for?" James cried in exasperation. "Merlin, Moony, you're allowed to be angry!"

"James…" Remus began, but Sirius cut him off.

"No," He said quickly, "James is right. You should be angry with me and hate me and want to kill me. It's ok, I deserve it." The tears threatened to overflow at any moment, so Sirius stood and hurried back to the dorm alone, flinging himself onto Remus' bed and breathing in his comforting scent.

"Wrong bed." A voice said lightly and Sirius lifted his face to see Remus stood in the doorway.

"Sorry." Sirius said uselessly. "Fuck, Moony, I'm sorry!" He burst out. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he felt as if he was drowning in the weight of his guilt. "I'm sorry!" He sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Moony, I'm so sorry!"

Suddenly Remus was there, sitting on the bed and holding him, pulling Sirius onto his lap and he buried his face into the warm chest while Remus stroked his back soothingly.

"It's ok." Remus whispered, his mouth very close to Sirius' ear. "Padfoot, please don't cry. I didn't want to hurt you."

"Stop apologising!" Sirius mumbled against his chest. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did." Remus insisted. "I lied to you."

"Look, it's ok, I never believed you forgave me." Sirius said tiredly, his sobs beginning to subside under Remus' tender administrations.

"That was the lie." Remus muttered, giving a mirthless laugh.

"I don't understand." Sirius said, completely confused by what Remus was talking about.

"I do forgive you, Padfoot. I always did." Remus said firmly. "That wasn't why I didn't want you there tonight. I was afraid when I was the wolf that I would give in, that we'd… that I'd let us be together again."

"Would that be so terrible?" Sirius asked gently, not wanting to push Remus when he was opening up. "Don't you miss me at all?"

"Of course I bloody miss you!" Remus snapped and Sirius was afraid he'd pushed him too far and he'd retreat back into his shell, but Remus was too angry. "I miss you every bloody minute of every bloody day of this whole bloody month! But I can't just take you back! What if you betrayed me again?"

"I wouldn't, Remus! God, hurting you, it's the worst thing I've ever done! I've done all these horrible things to people and some I thought were pretty harmless, but some I knew were wrong, but through it all I never cared! The guilt never touched me! But with you… it's like I can feel everything you feel! As if every bit of pain I caused you has rebounded on me a hundred times! I can't stand feeling like this! I'd do anything to take it back, but I can't! So you have to forgive me, so I'll stop hurting!" Sirius yelled.

"I do forgive you!" Remus insisted, which only incensed Sirius further.

"No you don't!" He shouted. "If you did, you'd take me back! But you don't, you're still angry at me and you have to stop! You have to forgive me! I can't stand it, Remus! You're the only person who ever loved me and I let you down and I can't bear it! PLEASE, Remus, you have to forgive me!"

Remus stared at him and for a moment, Sirius actually believed he'd broken through, that everything would go back to the way it was.

Then Remus shook his head. "I can't, Sirius. I trusted you with so much and you let me down."

"I can make it up to you." Sirius begged. "You have to forgive me."

"I can't." Remus whispered. "It's not that simple."

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I have a lot of trouble with the Whomping Willow incident, because I just can't understand how Sirius could have done it (hence why the reasons aren't explored here) and I don't know why Remus would forgive him. If I ever think of something plausible, I'll write it.

Reviews always gratefully received. If you feel the need to flame, send them my way, it doesn't bother me.


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